This was – I believe – the first of the films I took in from the 2006 edition of the After Dark Horrorfest. From what I understand, this was also incidentally voted the fan favorite, and it later saw a theatrical release all its own, in addition to the original release along with the other Horrorfest films. But I digress, because that really doesn’t have much to do with the movie itself.

A brief introduction on a farm shows us a peasant family sitting down to eat when their dinner is interrupted by a truck carrying two infants. Suddenly the story jumps forward forty years to meet a woman, who has been summoned to Russia by a notary claiming to have found her long-dead parents at the farm they once owned. On the steps to the office, she bumps into someone, but doesn’t pay any attention to it, as most of us wouldn’t. Pay attention, though, because this is important. During her meeting, she is informed that there are no other living heirs and she sets out to claim the home of her parents. She has a guide, who appears to be the only person willing to visit the farm at night. Also pay attention to the truck, because it looks an awful lot like the truck in the opening scene.

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When Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) wakes up, he knows that he doesn’t want to go to school. He’s ready to take a day off and stop to take a look around. If you don’t, life just might pass you by. But in order to do that, he has to convince his parents that he’s sick enough to stay home, but not sick enough to go to the doctor.

In order to do that, Ferris gives us his plan. He’s going for the clammy hands. While he’s bent over from coughing, he licks the palms, which gives them the wet feeling. He also gives us a point-by-point on-screen blow of why not to go for a fever (you might end up at the doctor’s office). Which is a little odd, really, because the on-screen thing isn’t used elsewhere. But it works, and his parents head to work and he has the day off. Now he just has to get through it.

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On another indeterminate day, sometime after the original Clerks ended, Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran) is headed back to the Quick Stop. Only today is a little different than another day, because as he lifts the door to the store, he sees something different inside. Fire. Lots and lots of fire. At first, he can’t believe it, so he simply shuts the door.

Then he lifts it again, verifies that it is indeed fire, and he calls 911.

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Penny Deerborn (Rachel Miner) doesn’t like cars. I mean she really doesn’t like cars. Through a series of flashbacks in the movies, we find that she was in a horrible wreck when she was younger that killed both of her parents (at least, they appear to be her parents). So her psychiatrist, Orianna Volkes (Mimi Rogers) is helping her through the process of conquering her fears.

Orianna has written at least one book on the subject (we see it several times as events of the night unfold), and she is helping young Penny to come full circle. To conquer her fears by confronting them. So they are taking a ride into the mountains. It appears that the mountains might be the place where the wreck happened, but that may or may not be important. What is important is that Penny simply doesn’t like being in cars. She gets sick just riding along with the door shut.

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A seemingly never-ending line of dirt-encrusted men, women and at least one child prepare to be hanged in the gallows, all to appease Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) and his war on the pirates. As they march endlessly towards their doom, a cryer announces that item after item is suspended. No longer can people gather, demonstrate or even have lawyers. Instead, they can just die.

Then, a young lad, clutching a piece of eight, begins to softly sing. The song is gradually picked up by each of the others in line behind him, until it seems that everyone is singing the haunting song. This seems to do nothing more than infuriate Beckett.

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We first meet Arden (Toni Collette) in the opening section, titled simply The Stranger, as she struggles to care for her abusive mother in what appears to be a rather run-down home. As Arden takes a walk, she comes across something rather unexpected in the field – the body of a young woman. For reasons known only to her, she takes the necklace the girl is wearing, and on returning home, she calls the police.

For a completely unexplained reason – perhaps because her mother wants to continue abusing her all by her lonesome – when she finds out that the police have come, Arden’s mother is furious with her. I’m not sure exactly what Arden was supposed to do. Perhaps she should have just left the body in the field to rot and continue to be abused by her mother. I don’t think it was really explained, and we are just left to figure out why her mother is so hateful. Maybe you can explain it if you have seen it, but I certainly didn’t get it.

In any case, this sets the tone for the rest of the film.

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That cuddly green ogre Shrek (Mike Myers) has returned for the third go-round, and this time the stakes are a bit higher. King Harold (John Cleese) has croaked (he’s a frog, get it, he croaked?) and with one of his last breaths (he had several) he has left the reins of Far Far Away in the hands of Shrek and Fiona (Cameron Diaz).

Naturally, Shrek is thinking mostly of himself, and he isn’t really interested. He just wants to go back to the swamp. So before the king dies, he asks if there is another option. Luckily, there is one. His name is Arthur. That’s all that Shrek needs to hear. There is someone else who can handle running things and get dressed up, and he and Fiona can get out of there. So he and Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss (Antonio Banderas) board a ship and head out to find Arthur.

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Hapless Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) is in danger of losing his son, Nick (Jake Cherry). He’s not really concerned about his ex-wife, but Nick? That worries him. Especially when Nick mentions that he’s ready to hang up his hockey skates and start practicing to be a stockbroker, like his new dad, Don (Paul Rudd).

Spurred on by the thought of losing his son’s hockey career to the over-achieving Don – or at least to his utility belt of cell phones, Larry decides that he needs to get on with his life and do something. So begging for a job at the unemployment office, he begs for just about anything. What he gets is something that no one would have expected.

You see, Larry gets a job as a night watchman and the Museum of Natural History. And as they say, history has a way of coming to life. It’s never been more true than it is at this place after they lock the doors for the night.

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Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is ready to treat the family to a completely new sort of vacation – in Las Vegas! Of course, if you know Clark, you know that he doesn’t always think things through, and though his plan this time around seems to be to spend time with his family (as always), he is sidetracked (as always) by the allure of making easy money at the gambling tables.

Naturally he is joined by his lovely wife Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), and they also bring along kids Audrey (Marisol Nichols) and Rusty (Ethan Embry). As with the prior films in the “series”, in this go-round where the kids are played by different actors than their predecessors.

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Just as Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage) comes home to visit his wife, he is met by a few less-than-upstanding citizens who want to cause trouble. Unfortunately for them, Poe is an Army Ranger, which means that they probably aren’t in the best position when it comes to a fight.

So when they decide to ambush him outside the bar, Poe gets the best of them. But when all is said and done, and one of them ends up dead on the ground, it is Poe who gets the short end of the stick. All he was doing was protecting his wife, but since he is trained as a deadly weapon, he ends up in prison.

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