I have enjoyed Will Smith for quite a while. He’s had a few flubs, such as Wild, Wild West, but generally even in those, he can be entertaining to watch.
This time around, Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, matchmaker extraordinaire. He doesn’t advertise, and won’t even talk to you if your plan is just to get the girl for one night. For Hitch, it’s all about the long ball.
On another indeterminate day, sometime after the original Clerks ended, Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran) is headed back to the Quick Stop. Only today is a little different than another day, because as he lifts the door to the store, he sees something different inside. Fire. Lots and lots of fire. At first, he can’t believe it, so he simply shuts the door.
Then he lifts it again, verifies that it is indeed fire, and he calls 911.
A seemingly never-ending line of dirt-encrusted men, women and at least one child prepare to be hanged in the gallows, all to appease Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) and his war on the pirates. As they march endlessly towards their doom, a cryer announces that item after item is suspended. No longer can people gather, demonstrate or even have lawyers. Instead, they can just die.
Then, a young lad, clutching a piece of eight, begins to softly sing. The song is gradually picked up by each of the others in line behind him, until it seems that everyone is singing the haunting song. This seems to do nothing more than infuriate Beckett.
Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is ready to treat the family to a completely new sort of vacation – in Las Vegas! Of course, if you know Clark, you know that he doesn’t always think things through, and though his plan this time around seems to be to spend time with his family (as always), he is sidetracked (as always) by the allure of making easy money at the gambling tables.
Naturally he is joined by his lovely wife Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), and they also bring along kids Audrey (Marisol Nichols) and Rusty (Ethan Embry). As with the prior films in the “series”, in this go-round where the kids are played by different actors than their predecessors.
The small African nation of Sierra Leone is situated next to Liberia, and while Liberia produces billions of dollars of diamonds annually, Sierra Leone produces virtually none. The reason for this, at least according to this movie, is that the diamonds within Sierra Leone are taken by rebel forces and then sold to fund their rebellion.
In the process, countless families are broken up, with the lucky ones killed off immediately, but many others left maimed, physically or emotionally (or in many cases both). The healthy men are used for mining these diamonds, while the youth can be taken to replenish the forces that are killed in the process of doing so. It’s not a pretty sight.
The fifth movie in the American Pie franchise sets several new bars.
First and foremost, it’s probably the worst in the bunch, though American Wedding really wasn’t very good either. At best, I’d have to say that they tied for last in this department.
Second, Mr. Levenstein (Eugene Levy) makes another cameo here, like he did in American Pie Presents Band Camp, but the ties to the original are getting weaker all along.
In fact, without that, Mr. Levenstein’s story about Jim and Michelle, a brief mention of “Great Falls” and the fact that the main character here (as well as in Band Camp) were named “Stifler”, there would be no tie at all to the original story. Not that that’s bad. Just a thought.
Just like in American Wedding and Band Camp, the language is ratcheted up a notch, but unlike in those two, it keeps going pretty much throughout here. To match it, there are also some reasonably gross scenes as well. I hope you’re ready.
When Andy Farmer (Chevy Chase) receives a $10,000 advance from his publisher, he and his wife decide that it’s finally time to make the leap. They purchase a house in the country, and leave the city behind.
The first glimpse of their new home is a wonderful one. The town of Redbud, perhaps not, but then, we don’t really see much of it, as the Farmers appear to be on the outskirts of town. So much so, in fact, that their moving van can’t find them until the next day, and it means that they have to suffer through the first night without a change of clothes, without furniture, and without even anything to eat.
In retrospect, they should perhaps have taken this as a sign and moved back to the city.
Matt Stifler (Tad Hilgenbrink) wants to be just like his big brother. This is, presumably, the same character played by Eli Marienthal in American Pie and American Pie 2 – that character was just named “Stifler’s Brother”.
In any case, he can’t get big brother Steve to give him the time of day. So he figures that what he can do is make enough noise to get him to notice him in other ways. He decides to sabotage the school band that’s getting ready to play during some sort of graduation ceremony.
Unfortunately, what happens is that not only does he ruin the ceremony, but he exposes himself to the entire crowd, and he gets himself in so much trouble that he gets sent to the one place that no Stifler should ever want to end up. In fact, it’s the one place that no one would want any Stifler to be. He gets sent to Band Camp.
As Dr. Rae Crane (Lorraine Bracco) arrives in the Amazon jungle, she is met by a number of natives, and the focus of her trip – Dr. Robert Campbell (Sean Connery).
It seems that Dr. Campbell has for some time been operating on his own, without following typical company procedure, such as filing progress reports, and now that his contact has retired, the duty of figuring out just what he is up to down here has fallen to her. She isn’t exactly pleased. But then, neither is he.
Will Randall (the incomparable Jack Nicholson) is on his way home from a business trip when he strikes a wolf. Who would have thought? A wolf? In this day and age? But still, he hits a wolf. When he gets out to check it, it bites him. What is this world coming to?
Over the next few days, the bite starts to take hold of him, but it’s not all bad – at least, not at first. The wolf seems to have imparted some of its qualities to Will, and he finds that his senses are sharper, and for the first time in a while, he feels more awake (though he had to sleep for twenty hours first). Then he can see without his glasses, hear every little thing that happens and his libido awakens with a vengeance. But that’s just the start.
Welcome to Celluloid Heroes! Here you will find movie reviews of all shapes and sizes. No stone is left unturned, and that is meant quite literally. In fact, you are probably quite unlikely to find the best of the best, as that's something that you can find elsewhere. Here you're more likely to find the dregs of the movie world than anything else.
As to the name? It's actually from a song by The Kinks, and while it may or may not have anything to do directly with the movies, it does mention quite a few movie stars, and things that make you think about movies, and well, it just seemed appropriate. Hopefully you'll agree, and if not, I suspect it won't get in the way too much.
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